Your whole food kids seem ungrateful? This happened in a bad kinda way at our place.
Our kids — who have never been subject to frozen fish sticks or to a gelatinous mass of Wonder Bread — had become food critics.
Currently, I'm watching some major improvements take place; we're having a real turn around. From one parent to another, I realized that I need to share my theories with you as to how it is getting better, just in case you have experienced this, too.
When I spend one day a week baking, and someone dares to consistently throw the crust away from my homemade bread, I feel insulted. When I destroy the kitchen in an attempt to make something intricate and they only pick at their plates, I see it as being ungrateful or even spoiled.
I may allow for someone to dislike something here and there, but there is an invisible line when enough-is-enough.
The whiny voice is just too shrill, the syllables are just too elongated (“but it's grooooosssss”), and the sighing and shoulder-slumping could win an academy award.
In these strategies, I might step on your toes — only because I have a nasty habit of shrinking myself from time to time. You see, I realized that some of the problem in our home was actually me.
So take what applies to you here, spit out the rest (I won't be offended, I promise), and make a comment if you have anything to add. In fact, let's chat about this — if you have any ideas as to what can help other frustrated parents, let us know in the comments.
1. Make Meals a Time of Connection
When the kids are getting great family time at meal time, they are somewhat easily redirected from the complaint of the moment. We can set the atmosphere of the meal. We can ask the kiddos questions about themselves or reminisce about that near-death experience on vacation and have a good laugh. Yes, they may pick at their meals. If we, however, create a consistently pleasant atmosphere at the table, the table will be associated with the warm fuzzy feelings of love and connection for our child. My sister and I parent our kids completely differently, but we recently had a talk about the dinner table.
“If there is one thing I try to copy from Mom and Dad,” she said, “it's that our family eats dinner together every night. Those were my favorite memories as a kid.” I completely agree with her. She and I — 30 years later — draw comfort from family mealtime memories.
I recently bought something at a specialty toy store called the “Chat Pack.” It's a box of cards, each containing a goofy question. We do not use it every evening. But when it becomes obvious that we need to boost the atmosphere, I do. The kids absolutely love it!
The questions are things like, “If you could go back in time to meet one inventor, who would it be and why?” or “if you could have a superpower, what would it be?” We really enjoy the fifteen minutes of chatter this creates.
2. Don't Play Hookie
Guilty as charged. In an attempt to squeeze the most of every busy minute, I sometimes use lunch to accomplish yet one more thing. When this happens, I am sending a signal to the kids that there are things more important than sitting down to a good meal, and I am not there to make any on-the-spot corrections that might help keep things sane (like if someone is playing with their food or making a paper airplane out of the napkin — it's been known to happen).
On the other hand, if I do join in, I am making the most of the opportunity to speak into their lives in one more way, one more time.
3. Let Them Be Part of the Process
I once wrote about my struggle to get kids into the kitchen, and for all of my self-improvement it still applies. I do it, but probably not as frequently or as gracefully as I ought.
Just recently, though, I shared my new system for menu planning as one of my time management techniques in the kitchen. I ask the family to contribute ideas. “Anything you are hungry for? Would you like for me to make something for you?” They love being asked!
4. Don't Criticize the Food in Front of Them
I blame being Midwestern for this one, because I have caught others doing this who are also from that part of the country. Maybe it's not entirely a regional phenomenon, maybe it's human nature. But anyway, I think we sometimes feel the need to say something first, as though in recognition that yes, in fact, we are aware of the imperfections of the meal.
But think about it. Saying “Boy, this pasta really stuck together,” or “I think I overcooked that meat” can be seen as blanket permission for everyone else to join in.
And our kids, at least, usually won't miss an opportunity for sanctioned complaining.
5. Allow for Personal Taste and Differences
You know what? The kids might just really not like what's being served. They may not have the self-discipline of an adult to power through, they may not have the grace or tact to say it in a kind way. And at the end of the day, they just might not like it. We can use these opportunities to help them mature into displaying grace and tact — but we cannot force them to like what they do not.
I take a harder line about how they express their disdain than I do for the disdain itself.
6. Don't Expect Others to Appreciate the Sacrifices They Did Not Ask You to Make
Have you ever had someone go way above-and-beyond for you, and then get all hurt and bothered because you did not react as they had daydreamed? I have actually had that happen (people with the love languages of gift-giving or acts of service are sometimes bad about this).
And when I'm the recipient, I know I don't want to steal the joy from the giver — but I might not always realize their unspoken expectations placed upon me, either.
Have I done this with my kids? Have I put too much weight upon their reaction to my efforts? Probably. They are just kids. It is my job to speak into their lives, not the other way around.
In fact, if you were to put it up to a vote, “Would you rather mommy make homemade pot pie for dinner or would you like a PB&J so that she has time for a game?” — I can TELL you for sure what they would answer.
7. Toughen Up; You're Not Julia Child
And then there is that.
I mean, I am a purty good cook if I say so myself; but I do fill the house with smoke and sometimes overcook or scald. I do over-season and under-season. Sometimes it's tough, chewy, slimy, or soggy. I'm a busy person and I get distracted in the kitchen.
Learning to laugh about it and move on; that is perhaps the healthiest part of us. We can lead by example with how we cope with a mistake; we can show them that it is okay if we (or our chicken cacciatore) aren't perfect.
The important part of this is not our wounded pride, but that we are connecting with our family and nourishing them, too. Let's help them become gracious, gentle adults by giving them the manners to properly address dislikes. And we should probably remember that it does not happen overnight, either.
Gotta go — think I smell something burning.
Have you faced mealtime discontent? How did you handle it? Please share your tips and experiences!
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We have always had our kids take a “no thank you” bite, just to make sure they don’t like it. After a few times, they like it! I also have my younger kids make their place mats (printer paper & crayons) while I cook. They draw the ingredients for the meal while I chop. Sometimes they taste too!
I love the idea of drawing while you cook–brilliant!
I will read a book to my kids during lunch time. It will often postpone my lunch but keeps them focused on a book and eating whatever is in front of them instead of complaining or playing around. Sometimes we listen to a story on cd instead.
We often listen to radio dramas during casual meals; the entire family gets into it!
Really enjoyed this. I would only add that I find encouraging my son to eat a new food by saying “you haven’t tried that food enough times, that’s why you don’t love it just yet. If you keep trying it, when you’re older, you’ll love it.” I also encourage him to describe food taste, smell, texture and to say ‘it’s delicious’ often, to get a positive mental attitude.
I think I’ve gone a bit over board, but I was a dreadful eater as a child – so i wanted to combat this for my kids.
You’re doing multiple things at once; teaching him to explore his world AND giving him the vocabulary to describe it…love it!
I have a grandson who is Autistic and is an extremely picky eater (a common manifestation
). I found a blog that has been immensely helpful – here is the link: http://www.raisehealthyeaters.com/ The author also wrote a book called “Fearless Feeding” that has been very helpful.
Thanks for that link. I hear you about the autism/picky eater thing. We have an “aspie” who has sensory processing disorder (just part of it, really)…texture is a HUGE deal. In fact, my husband made a pasta sauce a few weeks ago where he’d used the blender to mix in shrimp; the kids keep asking for him to make it again…even the kid who will make himself VOMIT at the thought of seafood! We realized that the fight with fish was entirely texture.
I have ADHD, which is connected largely to sensory issues too. As a child my parents fought to get me to eat, but I seriously cannot eat things when the texture is off. I gag. For example – pudding and yogurt. In theory, or in other things, delicious! But by themselves…ACK!
OK I Just had to comment that I LOVE the images in this article… so funny. The cute girlie with the broccoli is priceless! And the article is spot on too.
Thanks! Glad you appreciated it!
My kids are grown now, but they weren’t really too picky. When they were small, I usually asked them to just eat three bites of something they didn’t like. And if they decided they were full, the answer was just eat your meat. 🙂 If they at least ate their meat, I didn’t mind if they left some rice or potato or even a bit of veggie. When they got older, I could tell which foods they really loathed. By that time, they ate pretty much anything, except my daughter hated lima beans and my son hated broccoli. They still do. I feel the same way about green peas, so I could sympathize and let them slide on those nights. One night without a veggie wouldn’t kill them. 🙂
We once found a library book about a mom who bargains, begs, and pleads with her daughter to eat something on the plate…the daughter won’t do it….and then finally the pictures zoom out to show the mom sitting there with something on hers and the daughter says, “I’ll eat mine if you eat yours”….so true. We all have those things that we just are NOT going to like. And when you are the grown up and menu-planner, you simply avoid them. Kids don’t always get the same luxury so it’s good to be mindful of that fact!
Thanks for a great post. I have three children who recently moved in with us and making the switch from mac and cheese to whole food was really tough. Their idea of “good meat” was a hot dog. My frustration level has been really high over this issue and I really appreciate your advice.
We had this experience for a year when we had two little girls living with us, completely raised on packaged foods. The complaints were downright silly…the cheese was “too white” and so on. I had to put my foot down about the complaining while simultaneously giving a malnourished child proper nutrition. It was a tricky situation, so I understand!
I see someone else has the same dilemma I do as well. We are adopting 3 children who ate all their meals at McDonalds. I tried having them help make the menu but they wanted bologna and fish sticks. It’s been quite the struggle getting them to try healthy food. Letting them participate in the preparation and cooking has been the most helpful so far.
It’s so good to get your feedback! This isn’t going to happen overnight but hang in there Momma…you’re doing the right thing.
I have two picky boys myself. Even though we are not a whole foods family (not yet at least), I try to eat as many dinners as a family as we possibly can. My 4 year old will try more foods at my parents house than at mine, I wish I could get him to eat more whole foods.
It definitely takes time! Even for me. When I switched to whole foods after a lifetime of not-so-good stuff, I didn’t immediately fall in love with everything; even to this day I crave the bad stuff sometimes. But you are starting them young and giving them a bright future. Hang in there!
We have a saying in our house (that I shamelessly stole from someone else), it’s “don’t yuck on someone else’s yum.” That means absolutely no complaining about the food you are served or the way someone else chooses to eat it. I don’t force my kids to eat anything. I set our healthy, balanced meals on the table and try to assure that there is at least one food on the table that my kids love (like rolls, applesauce, or peaches). That being said, I don’t force anyone to eat anything I have served. I have been working to overcome an irrational hatred of salads for many years that was caused by my mother forcing me to eat salad almost every night for supper. The reason I don’t make my kids eat anything is because I don’t want to cause these type of issues for them.
That being said, I really wish you would edit-out the section of this article that “yucks” on fish sticks and wonder bread! For some folks with sensory processing issues, these may be the only kinds of foods they can tolerate. It demonstrates a certain judgementalness that I really don’t like about the “real food” community.
My six year old will most anything, even something he doesn’t really like if he can dip it in ketchup, homemade or store bought works.
My mom always served us “whole” foods (well, as “whole” as you could get in the ‘burbs 20 years ago! We didn’t know as much back then!). I was always jealous of the kids whose mom’s served them white bread and fish sticks.
That said, the rule at our house was “Eat what’s served, or don’t eat at all.” It’s surprising how motivating that rule is when you know you’ll go hungry otherwise. (That rule meant if you didn’t eat dinner, there was nothing else, no snacks no NOTHING, until breakfast the following day.) None of us ever starved, and I learned to love healthy foods. (Still don’t like brown rice or apples though. Sorry mom.)
I had 2 picky boys but I never made them eat anything, just offered healthy foods most of the time. We occasionally had a fast food dinner. Now they are both close to 40 years old, one is a gourmet cook and the other will eat just about anything. They are both healthy.