Welcome to the new Question and Answer series at GNOWFGLINS! I’m looking forward to what comes of it. Many questions come through the comments or the contact form; some of them can be better answered by reaching out to all of you for your input. So, please jump in with your thoughts, suggestions, and best advice to help a reader out.
Tiffany from Tiffany’s Table asks:
I am very much looking forward to the year to come, and what is in store with your site. And really grateful that I am able to meet like minded people online. Sometimes it is very difficult to be “different” from those around me, especially family members.
I am just wondering if you or any of your readers have any advice for dealing with negativity in regards to how I choose to feed my family. Most of the time it is easy going, but once in a while I feel like people around me are trying to sabotage what I am working so hard at, in feeding and teaching my family about real food.
Tiffany, this is a great question! I totally get how you feel, because I’ve been there. I think our approach to people who do this should always be confident and loving.
Confidence and Love
We should be confident in our food choices, remembering why we’ve decided to embrace God’s foods. In your case, you’ve been healed of a serious disease – Crohn’s – and have proof that what you’re doing has made a difference. This is a fantastic testimony! For others, the proof might not be so strong, but the compulsion to eat healthfully comes from a belief that God’s foods are healthiest.
There’s another kind of confidence, though, and this is the one that is hardest for me. I get very emotional about things like this, and always need some time to recover and release the burden to the Lord. He says,
“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:30)
I believe this, but it is hard to do! I have to remind myself to put it all in perspective. In the scheme of things, these issues are not that big a deal. Yes, they hurt. And especially if they happen over and over again. But God knows. And leaving it in His hands offers a certain freedom.
Have you heard people say, “What can I do?” about tricky situations, as they kind of bow out and admit defeat? Well, this is different than that. We say, “What can we do?” because we can’t do anything about that other person. We’re giving up, but not our goals, just the hurt. We give it to the Lord.
And we have to remember that no matter how people wrong us, God asks us to love them. I don’t know how this looks in every particular. I believe God will show us how to do it when we ask Him. For me, loving the person that is hurting me is a bit of recognizing that I cannot change them, and continuing to be kind, patient, a good listener, and cheerful. There are some people who are gifted with the right words to say in a difficult moment; I am not one of them! I wish I was. It takes everything I’ve got to keep smiling and keep it together.
What advice would you give Tiffany? How do you handle negative family and friends? Perhaps there is an issue where you receive negativity that is different from food, but it applies here. I’m looking forward to what you share. If you have a question to ask in this series, use the contact form.
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Thank you Wardee! That was very helpful. I am feeling much better today than I was the day I asked you this question, and know that the Lord has helped me.
I look forward to the other suggestions people have also.
thanks again,
Tiffany
Tiffany – Oh, good! I had a feeling you’d be better by the time I put up your question. Still, the advice we get today will help us in the future, and I’m looking forward to the other suggestions also.
Wardee has good advice here, about not being able to chang anyone but yourself. I have to constantly remind myself of this fact in life, especially in regards to nutrition. Often with family I find not getting too involved in nutrition discussions to be the way to go for me. I have had family members send food things to us that I dont/can’t eat (such as sugarry candy,foods with hfcs, margerine, ect.) and i literally say thank you and, when the giver is not present, throw it away. I know they mean well but these foods aren’t things I wantme or my kids eating. That is my choice as a parent, just as it is everyone’s choice to care, or not, about what is really in the food they eat.
.-= emily´s last blog post… Warm Meal, Cold Night: gluten-free cottage pie with mashed yams =-.
I lived in some very small towns as a vegetarian and mostly raw food-ist from high school until a few years ago. It wasn’t exactly the norm and I managed a large shift of people who mostly ate microwaved popcorn and candy for their lunch break while I ate spinach and avocado sans dressing. So I got lots of questions and jokes! I just made it my policy to be very “open” about my food and answer all questions as best as I could in a light-hearted way and not be offended to occasionally be the butt of a joke or two. Most all of it was good natured and I felt it was a gift to able to inform others of what worked for me and why I made my nutrition choices, because maybe it would help them examine their choices too. I think I’ve been doing this so long, I don’t really think anything of it when people ask my about my food anymore or find my choices really unusual.
Maybe it’s different when it’s family bc what I experienced in the workplace was mostly curiosity and jokes, not attempts to actually change what I did. My family has been very supportive of good nutrition, so I never experienced this from them. With extended family gatherings, we usually try to bring stuff that is delicious to most anybody’s palates that we can eat as well. So far, most everyone has been pleasantly surprised by how delicious the food is. I guess I see that as a subtle opportunity to show people how delicious healthy can be and also cover our bases so we know we’ll have some food we can enjoy that’s healthy. We also try to let people know ahead of time what to expect and we have been fairly accommodated although we usually bring some munchies or even a few bags of groceries for extended visits just in case. We try to be very clear with family, sitters, etc. about what our son does and doesn’t eat, so no one offers him junk food. Whoever we’re with, we never make a big deal about what *others* are eating, unless they actually ask us for our opinion, we don’t discuss their food or nutritional choices.
When it’s not a case of allergy and/or another major health issue, we always eat what is prepared for us at someone else’s house, even if it’s done using things I wouldn’t use at home. I never want anyone to think that what they’ve prepared for me, in their own home, isn’t “good enough” for me in some way.
This can be hard, especially when you know you or your kids are eating something that might make them feel not-so-great later on. But for us we’ve decided it’s our way of being thankful. It also helps keep food idolatry (i.e., I can control everything in my life based on my good food choices) at bay for me, which is something I can easily fall prey to.
.-= Katy@ThoughtForFood´s last blog post… Culture shock =-.
Excellent answer Wardee. I am often guilty of letting my emotions take over and not ‘taking it to the Lord’ so I appreciate the reminder.
Food-wise I haven’t had many people question our choices mainly because I never go anywhere to talk about them! But my husband often talks about the food we eat at work and he does get some questions and statements letting him know that not everyone agrees (especially the guy he works with who is totally against eating liver). Joe shares the conversations with me but I don’t think they bother him. He knows how much better we feel and just goes with that.
I have had a couple of friends who new me ‘before’ that I still communicate with via email or facebook ask me if we are on some kind of a ‘weird’ diet. I kind of find that amusing and let them know not ‘weird’ we eat REAL FOOD the way God made it.
.-= Millie @ Homespun Oasis´s last blog post… Lacto-Fermentation Hits and Misses- Our Results =-.
Thank you all, for these comments have been helpful and insightful. I do feel I need to explain that in most circumstances we have been received very well. I don’t mind the questions from others about what we eat. People seem to understand my “problem” with eating differently, but don’t understand my need for “making” my family eat the way that I do. The problem I had was with one person who invited us to their home and asked us to bring drinks. Upon arrival the first words spoken to us were disparaging remarks because we brought juice instead of soda. The rude comments continued throughout lunch and I had just had enough. I got mad, instead of letting the comments fall away.
Next time I will learn to laugh it off, instead of getting mad. If I would have just laughed about it, or ignored it, or been a grown up I wouldn’t have come home feeling so horrible.
Thanks for all of you out there who know how I felt and for reminding me that what I am doing for my family is right for my family.
This is a great topic, as I think a lot of people face this issue! I find the most challenging part is defending your choices to “white coats”- doctors, veterinarians etc who think you are crazy. You really have to stick to your guns! (Or find a doctor who supports you.)
I think sometimes when people see you eat well, and they don’t manage to, it can make them feel insecure; and cause them to criticize your choices out of self-rationalization for their own lifestyle. Societal pressure to be “normal” can be immense; I think it’s a natural human behavior and people often do it without even realizing it.
I think I’ve found within myself some sense of judgmental mindsest at times too, and I’m sure this is the root of some people reacting negatively to me. If I’m thinking “eeoww, look how you are feeding your kids!” even if I don’t say it, they can probably sense it, and it will make them go on the defense. When I first got into health food, I was so excited to share what I’d learned, I know I was preachy; I’ve since learned to withold opinion unless asked for it. But that can be hard too, when you feel you might have advice that might really help someone; but if they’re not interested, and you just have to let it go.
Tiffany, I think your reflections on making a joke out of it are good- some verbal gymnastics to say, “sorry, yes, we know we are weird, but we can’t help it, we were born that way! Please forgive us for our oddity…” can sometimes squirm you out of awkward moments where people are really questioning your lifestyle.
Wardee’s comment about confidence is good too, to remember you are not obligated to offer rationale for your choices. I think I feel I have been “weird” long enough now that I’m just used to other people reacting to it in some way or another- with surprise, curiosity, judgemental-ness, pressure or whatever. So, my reaction now is more mellow, with some kind of boring “mm-hmm, yep, that’s how we do things. If you end it with a note of finality and disinterest in further discussion, people usually let it be.
Tiffany, since you brought up HFCS drinks at parties, maybe some humor will cheer you up. You made me think of the ads spoofing the HFCS-is-fine-in-moderation TV commercials (that I didn’t see ‘cuz I’m weird and don’t have TV, but you can watch one on youtube here if you missed it too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl9vZYj-aJ4)
KingCorn’s “tobacco is fine in moderation” ad:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRicUInkYQM
and
“DDT is fine in moderation” ad:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYk4o_flKPk
I promise, they’re family-friendly, and give me a laugh every time I watch them! 😀 Enjoy!
In-food-weirdness and love, Michelle
Michelle,
thanks, funny commercials!
You’re all so wise! I love hearing your perspectives and thanks so much for sharing your tips and thoughts not only with Tiffany but with me.
Tiffany – it helps to know more details about what happened the other day. That would have been hard for me, too. Since everyone know juice is a better choice than soda, I think the person who started the remarks and those who continued it were probably making light of something that deep down they admired in you and your family.
Like Katy, whenever we’re out we do our best to eat what’s served, unless a food allergy is an issue. But, we don’t eat out very often at all – so it doesn’t seem like as big a deal as it would be if we were having to make that choice every day or every week even.
The other day, when we watched Food, Inc., the kids saw that conventional beef is bleached to cover up the manure, and they declared that they wouldn’t eat anyone else’s beef again because they don’t want to eat manure. 😉 I don’t know how they’re going to break it to someone who serves them a meal, but they were pretty adamant (and grossed out!).
Like Katy, when I am at someone else’s home I usually try to eat some of what they serve unless it’s truly deadly. Then, if they have a dog, which almost everyone does, when my hosts aren’t looking, I toss the “food” at Rover, and he gobbles it up within micoseconds and loves me forever.
This very thing happened just two nights ago at my 14-year-old granddaughter’s birthday party. The piece of birthday cake we were served supported three inches of pink frosting stacked on top. Everybody immediately scarfed it down smackin’ their lips in the process. I quietly took my symbolic bite–to look “normal”. Then, making eye contact with Jack, the family pooch, I clandestinly deposited the two pounds of pink frosting on the floor beside me. I glanced around the room to see if I had been discovered, and when I looked back down, the frosting was gone, like it hadn’t even been there in the first place. I love that dog! He’s saved my hyde on many, many occasions. He always sits by me because he knows I’m lacto-vegetarian and at some point in the evening food, lots of it, will coming flying his way. It’s really a symbiotic relationship we have.
Marly – You’re hilarious! 🙂
Now that I think about it a little more, I realize that, since we have a highly-allergic son, we use him as an excuse for a lot. Especially with family — which is who I end up thinking about when I consider these potentially loaded eating situations. Our families do tend to be the most offended by our diet, mainly because they don’t understand it. But when we visit them (all of them are far enough away to warrant overnight visits) we always bring a cooler and several bags of groceries. “For Townes,” we say. But it’s true — I’m sneaking cups of plain yogurt and fruit to fill me up between the meals I push around on my plate. It’s not always that bad — but sometimes it is true that I’m left hungry.
.-= Katy@ThoughtForFood´s last blog post… Culture shock =-.
I constantly keep these verses in mind when eating with people who may not share my view of food, Romans 14:13-21. It’s too long to post the entire thing, but the jist is that food should never be a stumbling block for relationships. If it becomes one then we need to put the relationship first, not the food.
19Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. 20Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. 21 It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.
Paul also talks about eating causing problems in relationships in 1 Corinthians 8:13, Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall. And again in 1 Corinthians 10:27, If some unbeliever invites you to a meal and you want to go, eat whatever is put before you without raising questions of conscience.
My stance has been to do everything I can in my own home, and make the best choices with what I can at someone elses and trust God for the rest.
I would agree with a previous comment in that the person making comments feels a little condemnation knowing they could be eating better. Actually in my study today in Esther, Beth Moore points out that meanness ALWAYS perceives a threat. Take it as that and know you have them thinking about their choices. Before long they may be asking you for advice!
Gloria – Oh, thank you for sharing this! These verses guide us every time we’re out somewhere and have food choices to make.
Food is a huge issue for people and they are protective about giving up their Doritos…
And if you are willing to give up yours this makes them feel threatened and as if you may be thinking you are somehow better that them- and it makes them think about their own issues with food.
Seriously the best thing to do is “not pick up the rope”- don’t tug of war with them.
If they start to argue- just say “I love you, too much to argue” (Love and Logic technique).
If they say something like- you should really let your kids eat ______ sometimes, you are being to strict- just say “I’m sorry you feel that way”.
It’s funny- both of these are Love and Logic techniques- designed for kids/discipline.
But I think they can work for adults who are trying to argue you into things, too. As long as you are sincere and not sarcastic.
jen
Jen – Thanks for those constructive and specific response suggestions. I’ll try to remember them when I need them – I’m sure they could diffuse much tension in many situations. I’m glad you pointed out sincerity, because of course we always want to be honest and direct in our relationships. Good point!